Tales of A Scarecrow

Fight or Flight?

Wed, 22 May 2013 20:17:58 -0400

Maybe I should run away

Far away, somewhere I can’t be found

Flee my fears, damn dignity

I’ve been running since my feet hit the ground

Somewhere on the west coast

A brand new life is waiting to be lived

If only I could unhook

Myself from every promise I could give

And maybe under starlight

So far away, there’s solace to be found

But I’m still dreaming at night

Of something better, searching for the sound

Of something pure and gentle

Something sweet, like poison in my veins

I can’t remember

What it’s like to live without this pain

But I remember

A dream I had, before I fell from grace

And maybe one day

I’ll come home; my demons I will face

But as for right now

I’d rather be a coward than a fool

And flee the terrors

Who’ve governed me with iron handed rule

Is something out there

Calling me, or is it in my head?

I can’t be sure, but

I’d rather live than stand to wind up dead

But what of my pride?

Of dignity, or heart, of final stands?

What of redemption?

It seems for me that what was in these hands

Has slipped through my fingers

And fallen through, like sands on endless shores

And I’m not certain

How much longer I can stand here for

Random Encounter

Tue, 21 May 2013 21:22:17 -0400

I was at the mall this evening with my friends Allir and Willy, and we were walking through the food court when a man stopped me. I didn’t know this man, although his face looked familiar, and he asked me about my older brother.

I told him the usual lie — that he’s with his father in New Jersey — but I guess what really struck me is how the man recognized me. I guess it’s sorta funny how much I look like Brandon now. I haven’t seen my brother in four years. I wonder if he’ll recognize me like that man did. I wonder if he’d be proud of the stupid little nerd that grew up into this… this…

This thing that I am. I wonder if he’d still call me his brother? I wonder if he’d see the pieces of himself that impressed upon me. I wonder if he’d even notice.

It’s been a long time. Come this August, he’ll be a free man and I’ll see him again. We’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

Storm Torn Shores

Sun, 19 May 2013 21:02:54 -0400

You’ve removed every last piece of me

From your new life, like

Splinters from beneath your skin

To do away with the risk of infection

No longer can my poisoned touch

Wither your fragile light

And maybe, now free of my taint,

You’ll turn from a prism to a diamond

You’ve moved on, and I should take

A lesson from you, and do the same

But I’m too weary to travel, too

Broken to advance, drifting now

On a current that leads to no where

I remember those nights, so cold

Seeing the stars and smiling

Dreaming of the summer to come

Full of warmth and love, but

I brewed a storm with my torrential soul

And cast its furious winds about me

Like a cloak that shattered our sanity

And did away with any hope I had

I surveyed the wreckage and with grim affirmation

Took what I could salvage and fled

I saw you crawl from the depths and

Do the same

I took your gift, and at your will

Smashed it to pieces, breaking the chain

That tied you to me, but alas

My bonds are not so easily broken

And I’m tethered not to you, but

To the past, our past, of cold winter nights

And the bright full moon

Like the eye of heaven gazing down

And I looked back in hope

Only to be scorned by my own desires

So now that the heat creeps in

Like the very flames of hell to scourge my bones

I distinctly remember the hope I had

That now lies on storm torn shores

“What if rocks are actually soft, and they just tense up when they see us,” -My good...

Sun, 19 May 2013 19:20:25 -0400

“What if rocks are actually soft, and they just tense up when they see us,” -My good friend James, a night blogger in the making

Over and Over Again

Sun, 19 May 2013 10:10:50 -0400

It brings me a confusing mix of joy and pain when I see and hear that my ex-boyfriend is happier now. Joy because I only want the best for him. It’s all I ever wanted. And I’m so happy that he is finally happy, and that he’s happy with life.

But it kills me inside because it reaffirms my belief that I was only ever pain in his life. The farther he distances himself from me, the happier he becomes. He’s moved on completely now and he hasn’t been happier.

Yesterday he asked me to smash a gift he made for me. So I did. I brought it to the woods and with a cigarette in my lips I brought the hammer down and shattered the last figment of my attachment to him. Just like what we once were but now are not, it’s just shards.

I guess the lesson I take from this is simple.

I had a relationship with a girl for three years, and when that fell apart I learned she had lied to me for three years about a lot of things. So I cannot take all the blame, but I learned also that I brought her much pain and misery because I’m just so fucked up.

Now with my ex-boyfriend, I see I have repeated history. They are both much better off without me. They’re both much happier now that I am gone.

And what of my current boyfriend? Will I not do the same? I’ve already done something that will haunt me forever. I’ve already hurt him in a way that will always linger in the back of his mind. He won’t forget, and neither will I.

The lesson I take from this is that I am truly not fit for relationships. I hurt everyone I touch. I worm my wicked way into their souls and then taint them with a bitter, burning poison.

I am sorry. I foresee only storms on the horizon.

I already hate myself More than I can put to words So if you hate me too Well, it’s no less...

Sat, 18 May 2013 11:31:02 -0400

I already hate myself

More than I can put to words

So if you hate me too

Well, it’s no less than I deserve

First and foremost, I let myself down But at this point I guess it doesn’t really...

Fri, 17 May 2013 23:03:05 -0400

First and foremost, I let myself down

But at this point I guess it doesn’t really matter

It’s better if I disappear and never come around

Remove all depth and leave the world behind a little flatter

Lack

Fri, 17 May 2013 18:00:40 -0400

I refuse to go through this again

I did once before, and before that too

I refuse — my pride forbids I bend

But I’m really unsure (as ever) what I should do

Today I caught a glimpse at the pain I will inflict

And again I hear your sobbing as it echoes through my head

I see the monster deep inside me laughing in a fit

I’m convinced at this point that, in truth, I’m better off dead

There’s no one I can have to call my own

Without bleeding my poison into every fragile crack

I’m packing up again, burning down another “home”

And putting on the mask to cover up this gaping lack

Now I’ve done it once again and fueled the eager flames

That hunger for your sorrow and burn bright in gleeful bounds

And even if I stay, I just cannot feel the same

Knowing that the monster in me you have finally found

So call me selfish, call me wrong, and call me what you will

I know you won’t believe me when I say it’s for your good

They never do, but rest assured, I have observed now still

The truth behind this motto: I would but if I could

I refuse to go through this again

I vowed not to go back

Once again, I’ll fade away

To justify the lack

Maybe one day I won’t wake up and regret all these things I’ve done. Maybe one day...

Thu, 16 May 2013 21:18:30 -0400

Maybe one day I won’t wake up and regret all these things I’ve done. Maybe one day I’ll wake up and see in the mirror an image I don’t hate. And maybe one day I’ll wake up without the overwhelming urge to simply end it all right then and there.

But that’s all conjecture; another day, another time, and always just perhaps.

Right now, I regret all these things I’ve done. I despise the monster I see in the mirror. And I wake up every day wanting to die.

I don’t know why I’m still alive, what resolve keeps me tethered to this mortal coil, or how it is that I can still muster up the will to care when I’m so dead inside… but I am, and there is, and I do.

Since there is no going back, I press on instead, in hopes… But I am not a man of faith, and my trust is wearing thin. The truth is, I’m just tired.

Blind Guardian

Wed, 15 May 2013 19:02:11 -0400

I have an intense love for the power metal band Blind Guardian. Aside from the immense talent of all its members, there is no other music — aside from perhaps Avantasia — that evokes such a feeling of empowerment through their music. Through the use of vocal layering to create the effect of a choir, along with complex lyrical patterns, the msuic comes off as epic and immense in scale. Whenever I listen to them, I feel stronger, and better able to stand against anything. There’s something empowering about their music as a whole.

Not to mention their lyrical content is always about fantastic worlds, last stands against unconquerable fate, and courage in the face of defeat. Just listen to tracks like Time Stands Still or Battlefield and tell me you don’t feel braver and more resolved. Listen to Nightfall and tell me you don’t feel like even in defeat you can’t rise from the ashes and fight for redemption.

I guess this whole rant was pointless, but I feel that such an amazing band needs more recognition for their talent. Being one of the most famous power metal bands, they’re still not very well known outside of the metal community.

If you’ve never heard them, try out those previously mentioned songs. You won’t be disappointed.

I observe the human race with a general air of contempt. I must say that the majority of the people...

Wed, 15 May 2013 12:55:47 -0400

I observe the human race with a general air of contempt. I must say that the majority of the people we call members our species are reprehensible cunts. And it sucks that the idea of humanity is so tainted by the foul, wretched monsters who walk about in human skin that the majority of misery in this world is caused by other people.

TL;DR I hate human beings.

Surgery Follow-up

Wed, 15 May 2013 10:58:38 -0400

My surgery went fine. I must say it was rather uncomfortable, but not as bad as I expected by far. My leg is in agony now, but some ibuprofin takes care of that alright.

The stitches come out in two weeks. So until then, I’m fairly restricted on how much moving I should do.

Not much else to say aside from that. Peace.

New Identity

Mon, 13 May 2013 16:00:19 -0400

So now that I’m out about this whole genderfluid thing, I’ve decided to choose a name that is gender neutral. With the help of my moirail, I’ve settled on Jayden — Jay when I’m a dude, Jade when I’m a girl, and just Jayden when I’m neither.

I don’t really expect any of you guys — this is really to those who know me in real life — to call me as such, but I would appreciate it if you would. It’s probably what I’ll start referring to myself as.

Thanks for your time. Peace.

Cobwebs

Sun, 12 May 2013 11:58:57 -0400

Your ghost still haunts me in my darker moments

Lurking there on the edge of my vision, your face

Shining down on me, this wretched horror that waits

And rots like a festering wound in his own waste

My mind is teeming with a horde of bloated spiders

That creep throughout my every waking thought

Laying eggs to proliferate their poisoned thriving

And spinning webs to shroud my clarity

And so long as these vermin string their strands together

Binding the dark matter crystals like pearls on a string

Then the fragments of my shattered sanity

Shall dwell forever in the cobwebs of my mind

Another Question

Sun, 12 May 2013 11:39:00 -0400

I feel like I should pick a name that’s completely gender neutral, now that I’m pretty much open about the whole gender-fluid thing. Any suggestions?

This throbbing pounding in my skull I’m gonna break, I can’t contain This poison any...

Sun, 12 May 2013 10:16:55 -0400

This throbbing pounding in my skull

I’m gonna break, I can’t contain

This poison any longer, let it spill

And do what it will

This shaking feeling in my bones

Just like that feeling when I’m stoned

Not pleasant now, just agony

This isn’t how a life should be

Life Expectancy

Sun, 12 May 2013 09:33:38 -0400

Crawling over broken glass
Shattered fragments of my past
Pieces scattered, never found
But somehow they’ll still be around
When many years have come and gone
Every passing dusk and dawn
But the pieces still remain
Never cleansed by all this rain
And that’s the price we pay for life
As if it’s not enough to strife
And carry burdens every day;
I’m losing reasons I should stay
So maybe this should be good bye
It seems I only know I tried
I’m sorry, then, for all I’ve done
Give me three years, then I’m gone

A Confession To Clear the Air

Thu, 09 May 2013 19:35:59 -0400

This is really just for the friends who know me in real life, but I guess it’s just a general statement.

I’m bigendered.

That’s all. Carry on with your lives.

I’m very depressed again. Guess I should just go lie down and sleep. But it’s only 6:45...

Wed, 08 May 2013 18:48:00 -0400

I’m very depressed again.

Guess I should just go lie down and sleep.

But it’s only 6:45 in the evening and I’m only tired in my mind.

Tomorrow I take my AP english exam. But I highly doubt I’ll be sleeping tonight. Oh well.

I wish I could sleep and never wake up. I’m far too tired to be aware. I can’t remember right now all my reasons for carrying on. Exerting myself seems so pointless.

I don’t like to plead for compliments, but can someone remind me exactly why I bother?

Cause I’m not really sure.

Surgery

Wed, 08 May 2013 15:26:50 -0400

I went to the doctor’s today to get this lump of flesh on my leg checked out, and they couldn’t be sure what it was. They’ve decided to cut it off and examine it. So this coming Tuesday I’ll be going into surgery to have it removed. I won’t be able to do physical activity for two or three weeks after that, since it’s on my knee and that area gets too active, so on the plus side, no more gym for the rest of the school year. On the downside, I’m going to have my leg cut open, and then stitches. Joy.